


FOL

by Freaky_Fics



Series: Fuck Off Linda [1]
Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 16:52:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4674257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freaky_Fics/pseuds/Freaky_Fics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For all you Freakytits shippers!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You know who you are...

Vera tiptoed up to reach the lips of the tall authoritative women who stood in front of her.

"So we have a day off." She smiled."And you want to do something?"

Vera's grin was the only reply Joan needed. "We will do something I promise you, but I need to get to the prison, just to check everything is running smoothly in my absence and I have a delivery to collect, and then I promise: I'm all yours."

She kissed Vera, and Vera's lips broke into a smile again. "Ok, don't be too long though." She joked. Joan went to turn away, when Vera spoke up again. "On second thoughts, can I come with you?" Joan briefly looked puzzled.

"You really want to? It's your day off." Vera pulled her coat over her shoulders.

"Yes, I'm sure, I want to spend the whole day with you." Joan sighed.

"Get in the car...and don't adjust my seat."

Joan and Vera passed the front desk at the reception. Linda was the only officer there dealing with unruly people trying to see loved ones without a valid visiting order. Joan approached the desk as Vera headed in the direction to her office.

"Miss Miles, I'm expecting a delivery; notify me when it's here." She turned away.

"Yes Governor." Linda acknowledged.

"Well it didn't take you long to get in here did it?" She winked at Vera as she placed her coat in her cupboard.

"No, I didn't, now come over here." Joan reluctantly took a seat behind her desk. As Vera straddled Joan, the radio suddenly went off just then.

"Ugh, who is it now?" It was Linda notifying Joan of a stationary and goldfish delivery at reception. Before Joan could pick the radio up, Vera snatched it off the desk and said "Fuck off, Linda!" Joan looked up at Vera, nearly laughing. "You can't speak to Linda, like that." Vera shrugged.

"Well why not, I'm pretty sure she has the hots for you as well." "Of course she doesn't, you're over thinking." She grinned.

"Have you seen the way she is around you, all this, yes governor, no governor, 3 bags fucking full governor." Vera scowled.

"Well you act like that..." Joan raised an eyebrow. "Yes, and I live with you for God sake. She's after your arse, I'm telling you. I over heard her the other day, talking about how she thinks you’re the hottest thing ever. And she's always eyeing up your gloves." "Really?" Joan's face lit with surprise. "Don't look surprised, I don't even blame her."

She leaned in to kiss her. "So, can we go out?"

“Where would you like to go?” “We can visit the opera house in town.”

"Yes, but I need to go and collect my stationary delivery. Can I trust you to be in here, without going through my google search history? She joked. "Yeah, yeah, now hurry up."

 

Joan eventually got down to the front desk, where her package was waiting for her. She thought this would be a good time to apologise for Vera’s actions. "Miss Miles, I apologise for what Ms Bennett said over the radio." Joan leaned closer, her voice now a mere whisper.

"It's her time of the month." Ferguson looked over at the long queue at the desk. “Oh, and when get a spare minute; do bring me this week’s rotas.”

“Yes, governor.” Linda smiled. Joan grabbed her parcel and made her way back to her office. Vera had the foresight to remember she would need to open the door for Joan. Vera stopped and looked at the huge box she was cradling. “Is that all stationary?!”

“Yes.” "Well, that's a lot of pencils." "I know, but I need all 50 of them, oh did I ever tell you about the depth and meaning behind the quantity and positioning of them on my desk?"

“Yes, you sent me, a very in depth email about it all. A good 3000 words at least.”

“Yes…” Vera rolled her eyes. “Well, anyway, what have you got left to do here?”

Joan started unboxing her yellow soldiers and carefully positioned them in the same OCD line. “I’ve asked Linda to bring me up the rotas then we can go.”

“Ugh, why didn’t you ask me?”

“What’s wrong with Linda helping me? Has this got anything to do with her having an intoxicating crush on me?”

“Yes! She wants to fuck you and get a pay rise, I bet.”

“Vera, there will be no fucking of Miss Miles!” “Good, I wouldn’t even go near her anyway, I’m pretty sure she’s in the sack with fletch most nights. “Ugh, please. She probably isn’t even gay.” “No, but I bet she’s just the sexual deviant type.” Joan had finished ordering her stationery. “Sexually deviant, do you think?”

“Oh yes, I looked up sexually deviant in the urban dictionary, and the definition matched her perfectly.”

“What did it say?” “Sexual behaviour that diverges from the norm. Big White likes to cover her body in Duke's mayonnaise thus she is a sexual deviant.”

“Yes, we will stop there, I don’t like the sound of Dukes Mayonnaise, whatever that may be. And where is she, I asked her for rotas at least 10 minutes ago?”

“Told you, you should have asked me.” Vera looked smug. “Oh by the way, have you been hearing all those noises from downstairs lately?”

“Yes, I have. I would have thought the workmen would have been done by now.” Just then Linda knocked on the door and came in to hand Joan the reports, the Governor finally snapped at the incessant noise coming from the bathroom below her office

“What is taking the workmen so long Miss Miles?!”

Like it was Linda’s fault, she always felt as if she was in the firing line, for the things she had no control of. “Well.” She finally spoke up. “They are having to build the toilets, all over again.”

“Well couldn’t they use somebody else’s toilets?”

“No, well, yes they could, but they are workmen so I guess whenever they need to go to the lav, they can just get their stuff out and build their own.”

“Well that is just NOT good enough!” Ferguson shouted. Linda had left, abruptly, just then; poor Linda, like she said always her in the firing line, you know what they say “Don’t shoot the messenger.” (Maybe she should fuck off and work elsewhere.) Vera slumped back down in the seat opposite Joan’s. “Please, can we leave now?”

Ferguson finally gave in to Vera’s demands, of which, she found herself doing far too often. “Yes, okay, go and say goodbye to Linda, and I’ll meet you in the car. And please, whatever you do, DON’T change the radio station.” Vera got her coat. “Yes, but two things: One, I am not going near her, let alone saying goodbye. Two: why do we always have to listen to the radio channel you like? Joan did no more than look up from her monitor.

“See you in the car, Vera.”


	2. Chapter 2

They drove down the street passing the endless lights of the shops signs which illuminated the area. “Where did you say it was Vera?”

“The signs said; down here.” Ferguson continued to drive, until she was sure she saw the place they were meant to be going to. “Is this it Vera?”

“It most defiantly is.” As Joan was opening the car door, Vera joked: “Don’t go checking out all the violinists while you’re here will you?”

“Of course not Vera, of course not…” They took their seats on the front row. The violinists had been seated for a good while by now in preparation for their show. “It feels so good to get out and it’s a well deserved break don’t you think?”

Vera agreed. “I do, and all we need now is no interruptions, from work.”

“There shouldn’t be, we left everything running pretty smooth.” As they sat and chatted, the show began. Vera loved this sort of thing, getting out, escaping from the stress of work. Joan however, couldn’t help sneaking a quick glance at the musicians, even though prior she had been told by Vera, not too. She also couldn’t help admiring what long fingers they all seemed to have. This would have, naturally, helped them with all of their fiddling they do. But it really annoyed her that the people behind her were constantly muttering and eating food; fiddling with wrappers. Joan quickly turned around.

“Can you please be quiet, I cannot hear the show properly with you keep muttering like children.” One of the people behind had the audacity to smirk at her while she was speaking.

“Keep your nose out of our business.” The other one snarled.

Joan Ferguson turned round just as their comment left their mouth… “Go home to your mother.” She used the same infamous words here, the same she used to tell Vera. For a second Ferguson wondered if Vera had remembered or even noticed actually, what she had just said to the men behind. Never the less, she somewhat hoped they wouldn’t end up going home to their mothers and giving them a lethal dose of morphine. Joan’s face was now switched to a calmer expression, and then she resumed watching the performance. Vera seemed to be enjoying it to. She hadn’t spoken much since the show had commenced. Maybe she was enjoying it. Or the musicians even. Just as she thought her attention flickered to something new. Was that a towel Vera was sitting on? Joan knew this was going to look weird to onlookers, but she put her face down to see just what Vera had brought to sit on. No it wasn’t a towel… it was a sponge…. Joan pulled her head back up now. She would have hoped anyone who could see what she just did, didn’t think she was going down on Vera or something. She leaned up to Vera’s’ ear and whispered.

“What are you sitting on?” Vera’s concentration slowly steered away from the violists as Fergusons whisper tickled her ear.

“Erm, yes, well. I’m sitting on a sponge.”

“Can I ask why..?” Her voice tinged with amusement. “Well you see, it’s much better than a towel, because it soaks up a lot more and its reusable. Once you wring it out anyway.”

“Vera, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That you’re so drenched you’re sitting on a sponge!” “I forgot.” Vera shrugged. “Well, you’ve done it now…I can’t continue watching a show with you casually sitting on a sponge.” Vera considered herself for a moment.

“Does this mean we can go home and fuck?”

“Too right it does.”

“And get rid of that ridiculous sponge, while we are leaving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you guessed yet?


	3. Chapter 3

Joan was breathlessly undressing Vera, as she straddled over her. Vera caught her own breath and went to speak.

“Well someone’s a horny fucker.”

Fergusons reply didn’t contain any words, she just slowly inhaled as her eyes dragged across the body of the women below.  
“You’re looking at me funny…” Vera smiled. 

Ferguson raised her eyebrow. “I am?” Just then her eyes looked away from Vera. 

“What is it?” Vera got up, elevating herself by leaning on her elbows. 

“Nothing, I’m thinking. Just get off or something while you’re waiting.” At those words, she got up off the bed and stood up. Almost looking like she was up to something.”  
Vera quietly did as she was told. Well, in more honest words; not so quietly.  
Then Joan’s face moulded into an expression that suggested she was somehow pleased with whatever idea or suggestion she was about to make.  
“Wait, stop that Vera.”  
Vera’s hands stopped in their tracks and her face looked annoyed all over again.  
“Fuck sake, what do you want me to do to myself now, but I warn you, I’m not putting anything bigger than 5cm in me?”  
Fergusons face flicked to Vera.  
“No, no, we are not using that dildo again today. I was going to say we can use the strap on like we said we would ages ago!”

“That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” Her face lit up like a child that has just been allowed to come of the naughty step. 

“But you did bring one, didn’t you, I left mine at yours.”

Vera’s face dropped. That child just went back on the naughty step. “What, no, I didn’t bring mine.” 

Ferguson leaned her head back and she put her hands over her face. “Goddamit, I’m too horny for this shit!”

They both sat in thought.

“Wait, I have an idea!”

“Tell!”

“What time is it?”

Joan had glanced at her watch. 

“Er, ten to ten, why?”

“Well, there’s a sex toy shop not far from here, BUT, it closes at 10pm.”

She didn’t even reply to Vera’s dirty bitch suggestion, in fact she didn’t even comment at all. She had got straight up and sprinted down the stairs as fast as her legs could carry her. She only briefly stopped to pick up the key fob on the mantel piece.  
She was driving approximately, 25mph above the speed limit. But she was on a mission and didn’t care. And it wasn’t like she would even get in trouble for such a petty crime like speeding with all the tight links she held with people at the top of the force.  
Every shop looked pretty similar to the ones she passed before it, nothing to distinguish that any of them would be selling the uTTer filth she was looking for.  
She didn’t know how much more she could deal with. She felt like a relapsing drug abuser looking for their next fix. Except the only difference between that and her fix was hers came in the shape of a women of which she urgently needed to fuck.  
Then she had felt vibrating in her pocket.  
She must have put her phone on silent for the show earlier that day. Linda calling. Again. At least she was grateful Vera wasn’t here to see her ringing. 

“Governor?”

“This is the governor.” She rolled her eyes. 

“This is Ms Miles.”

“I have caller ID, what is it you want?” 

“Update on tonight: I’ve got Lucy Gambaro with me, I’m having to take her to isolation for threatening the strap on, to other prisoners.”

“Well she is a bit of a predator.”

Joan had thought to herself, contemplating on whether, in this state of mind, she would take up Lucy’s offer herself.  
She almost shivered at the mental image and needed hand sanitizer and wet wipes just then. And then a long soak in bleach.  
Then she heard a loud bang on the other end of the line, like Linda had dropped the phone. After a few seconds, the phone was picked back up.

“I’ll bring the strap on!” Juicy Lucy shouted quickly. 

Joan nearly gagged.

“No you fucking won’t be bringing any strap on!”  
She ended the call there and then. 

Looking at her watch. She had FIVE minutes. And now she was getting desperate. 

Now, raising the bar to approximately 30mph over the speed limit: she was frantic.  
She pulled down her window as she saw a person walking along the street and stuck out her head. “Excuse me, I am the governor. I’m looking for a sex shop. Where’s the nearest one?”

The man turned around.  
Stood with an almost shocked expression over his face. But she had no time for that. 

“Well?!” she was very impatient now. 

“Take a right onto the next street up the road.”

She didn’t acknowledge him then. She stared ahead and pulled out a thick brown envelope and slowly handed it to her right at the man outside. Not attempting to make any eye contact with him.  
Running through the front door, she shouted up the stairs to Vera. 

“Remove your clothes. I’m coming up.”

“You managed to get one?!”

“Of course I did, and look at all the different modes it has!”

They were soon into their fucking, and Joan was thrusTing quite a lot, as you would expect.  
And little mouse Vera was screaming very loudly, as you would expect.  
Vera was soon on the brink of an orgasm, that, she had painfully waited half a day for. Just at that VERY moment the phone beside the bed started ringing.  
“Leave it!” Vera begged.

“I can’t, Lucy Gambaro might b threatening the strap on again.”

Joan was now multitasking with the phone to her ear whilst thrusTing Vera. 

“Who is it?”

“It’s miss Miles?”

Vera snatched the phone out of Joan’s hand and breathlessly screamed down the line. Ferguson came down with one last powerful thrusT. And Vera’s orgasm was imminenT.

“F-F-FUUU-CCCKKKKK OFFFF LINDAAAA!”

The phone got chucked down on the floor and Vera was laid on the bed like a little broken puppet.  
“Can I just add one thing Vera?”

“Y-yes…”

“That is the first time, we have had sex and you haven’t screamed my name. In fact, this is the first time I have ever had sex with someone and they haven’t screamed my name!”

Vera almost laughed. “Bet you’re well jell of Linda then, aren’t you.”

Joan looked down at her with piercing eyes. “Fuck off Vera.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commissioned for you?


	4. Chapter 4

They both laid on the bed in silence. Joan turned to face Vera, then.

“I didn’t really mean fuck off…”

“I forgive you.”

“Really?!”

“Yes of course I do, I had a great orgasm.”

“Good you better had, I drove all night looking for a strap on for you!”

“Aww. It was a new one though wasn’t it?”

“What? Well I hope that shop wasn’t selling second hand strap ons, you could get some sort of STD!

Vera rolled her eyes to Ferguson.

“STI…”

“What the fucks an STI?”

“Same thing, different name.”

“So why can’t I just say STD godammit?”

“NO, you have to say STI now.”

“I wanna say STD!”

“You can’t!”

“Or what?”

“The gramma police will come and get you.”

“No they won’t, I am the Governor!”

 

It was the middle of the night and Vera was woke by clanging in the cupboards downstairs. Undoubtedly Joan. But, she could hear voices too. It sounded like the women as talking to, no it can’t be, SIRI... Vera listened to Joan and SIRI’s conversation.

Joan: “Who is the Governor?”

SIRI: “Beep. Beep. You are the governor.”

Joan: “Who runs the prison?”

SIRI: “Beep. Beep. You do Governor.”

Joan: “Why does Vera wear underwear?”

SIRI: “Beep. Beep. I don’t know, governor. She never gets a chance to wear it.”

Joan: “Why is my hitman a waste of oxygen?”

SIRI: “Beep. Beep. He’s secretly in love with fletch, Governor?”

Joan: “Do you think I need to soundproof the office walls?”

SIRI: “Beep. Beep. Yes governor, the cleaner is always giving you funny looks.”

Joan: “Why haven’t Vera and I had shower or cupboard sex yet?”

SIRI: “Beep. Beep. Because Linda keeps interrupting you and Vera when you are about to have it, Governor?”

Vera had listened to enough. She clambered out of bed, she felt her feet hit cold floorboards and then looked at the clock. Half 2. What on earth was Joan doing down there. She slowly crept downstairs to see what the other women was up to.

There she sat at the table with a huge jar of Nutella. She was watching something on the laptop. With her phone down on the table next to her.

“What are you doing up at half two, eating Nutella, talking to SIRI and watching porn without me?!”

“I’m not watching porn.”

“Bet you are.”

“Vera, have you failed to realise that 98% of porn on the internet is uTTer shit?”

“So, then, what are you watching?”

“Nothing that concerns you.”

Vera glared back. “Why are you so secretive, eh?”

“I’m not.” As Vera approached closer Joan had the foresight to close down the laptop screen.

Vera quickly dived for the table and ran upstairs as fast as she could. Joan was close behind her.

“Vera, give me that back right now!”

Vera ran into the bedroom and locked the door, her fingers shaking from the recent adrenaline rush.

Ferguson was pounding on the door. “Vera, when I get my hands on you, you are SO dead.”

Just then Vera starting howling with laughter. She had opened the laptop back up.

“YOU WERE WATCHING ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK!”

“Verrrraaaaa, open this door right NOW!” She continued to knock hard on the door.

“No, because you’re going to get me back, I know you are.”

“VERAAAAA!!”  
“I’m going to look through your search history now.” She started giggling.

Joan punched out each word with precision. “You. Dare. Go. There. And. I. Will. Never. Handcuff. You. To. The. Bed. Ever. Again. Do you understand?”

“See, the best thing is, I know you will. And I cannot help myself.

Vera started slowly reading out the history:  
“OMG!”

“Why does Derek Channing look like a huge dick with ears?”

“What is Dukes Mayonnaise?”

“How to annihilate cavemen.”

“Glove porn.” Vera could help but find herself howling with laughter all over again.

“How to administer a lethal dose of Pink Dragon.”

“Best deals on blow up penises.” Vera choked just then.

“Best slot sex techniques.”

“www.expandyourbedroomintoasexdungeon.co.au”

www.Dominoespizza/meatfeast.co.au

“Hire a hitman.com”

“Why does my wife always forget the strap on?”

“What happened to my goldfish?”

“Why does Vera have the audacity to turn up to my office wearing underwear?”

“Best stationary deals”

“You’re worthless, you’re useless, you're nothing quotes.”

Vera threw herself back on the bed, she could not believe the types of things Joan had been searching. And the list went on, but she didn’t think she had enough strength to continue reading. Plus Joan was getting more and more angry the longer she left her locked outside. Vera decided to unlock the door, very, very slowly. As soon as the door was open as much as half an inch, Joan had her foot in the door and pushed it open with great force.

Before Vera could even gather her thoughts she heard two short sharp clicks as handcuffs were on her. She was dragged over to the bed. Soon she could barely move.

 

“HA! Now you will stay here until I say you can go.

“What, so you mean no chained up fucking?!”

“That is correcT…”

“So what are you going to do to me?”

“Slap you again.”

Vera’s face lit up like a child that had been handed a bag of sweets. Joan prepared her hand. “Leather or bare?”

“Both…”

“What, well ok. As long as you think you can handle it.”

Joan put her glove on one hand and left the other one bare. Vera positioned her face to the right. Ferguson swung down and stung Vera’s cheek with powerful force. Her face had, naturally been turned to the other side from the slap. As soon as her right hand left her face she came down with brute force on the other side of Vera’s face, the sound of squeaky leather, ripping across her pink face.

“Good?” Ferguson questioned.

“Indeed!”

Satisfied with her reply, Joan had unlocked one of her hands from the bed frame and chucked the key on top of Vera’s body.

“Right hurry up and unlock yourself, I have a very important delivery due soon.”

Joan strutted out of the bedroom and left Vera in the room with one hand still locked up. Once again Vera pulled her famous what the fuck face. But this time her cheeks were slightly grazed from the recent slap up.

 

A delivery truck pulled up outside the house and Joan was at the door opening it before the man could knock.  
“Delivery for Joan Ferguson.” He passed the parcel to her.

“Yes, I am the Governor.” She said with a serious tinge in her voice. She then closed the door abruptly in his face.

Vera was at the stairs. “What is it?”  
“Wait and see…” She went into the other room and had started tearing open the brown packaging.

Vera was desperately hoping this would be some blow up penis, but when Joan opened the package she was soon to be disappointed.

“It’s not a sex toy?!” she said astonished.

“No, I ordered some new pepper spray for work. You know for when the caveman gets on my nerves I can just quickly whip it out and bam, he can’t see shit.”

Vera just rolled her eyes at this boring-no-fun delivery Joan had just received. “I bet that would sure give a burn or two if that went in your eyes.”

“Yes, I hope so, I ordered the strongest one.”

Joan was playing around with the packaging, finding the seal. “I’m going to try it to see how much it burns.”

“What?! Are you insane?”

“I want to see how much it would burn.”

“You’ll go blind, Joan.”

“Yeah, but not for long, it’s just a quick burn.” Vera squirmed at the thought.

Ferguson positioned the spray nozzle up to her eyes. She took a deep breath before she committed to this uTTer stupidity.

“OK, 3..2.-

“WAIT!!”

Joan glared at Vera. “WHAT NOW?”

Just take one more look at me in case you end up blind, at least then when we have sex you can remember who you’re actually fucking.

“Vera, I’m not going to be permanently blind and I if I was, I would most definitely remember what you look like.”

“Are you sure? Do you want me just to flash my boobs for the last time?”

“VERA SHUT UP IM TRYING TO GET IN THE ZONE.”

Once again, she lined the nozzle up to her eyes and prepared herself.

“OK. 3…2…1...” She sprayed the pure Caspian into her eyes.

“FUUCKKKKKKKK VERA! SHIT ARSE BALLS CLITTY LICKING PIECE OF FUCK SHITTTTTT!! VERA IT BURNS!!!! I CANT SEE SHIT!”

“I told you to have one last flash of my boobs goddamit!”

Vera quickly ran to the tap and filled up the first thing she could see with water; which in this case, was a cooking pot. She ran back to the living room and threw the pot at Joan.

“VERA, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”

“Its water to wash that shit out of your eyes.”

“YES I UNDERSTAND THAT BUT YOU THREW THE WHOLE FUCKING THING AT ME! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!”

“No im trying to wash that stuff out of your eyes.”

Ferguson couldn't glare at Vera this time, because quite frankly, she couldn't see her. 

“OMG I HAVE AN IDEA!” she started maneuvering the other women outside. 

“Where are you taking me?”

“Outside to the hose.”

“JUST HURRY UP VERA IT BURNS MORE THAN YOU KNOW!”

Vera grabbed the hose and sprayed Joan down, aimlessly trying to direct it towards her eyes; soaking the other women. 

“Your eyes are red as fuck, should i take you somewhere.” She stopped the hose now.

“NO, its fine. i wanted to see how it would feel to Fletch, the bastard. Now i know he is going to be screaming. so that caveman better watch how he speaks to me.”

By this time, Joan was eventually able to start opening her eyes.

“Can you see me ok?”

“Yes Vera, I am able to see you fine...”

Just then the phone rang. It was Linda on the phone. (again) She claimed it was an emergency and herself and Vera needed to get down to the prison now, as it required their immediate attention...


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok sometimes i wonder if im on crack or something only to then realise im not on any kind of drug ...

Joan strutted through the door with vera trailing behind her. she went up to the desk, to meet Linda waiting at the reception with a worried “What is it ?!” 

“Something bad has been spread throughout the prison. All the women are in lock down.” Linda told the Governor. 

“Tell me? Is it bad, has anyone been hurt?”

“The prisoners all had their routine check up today with nurse slut and we have discovered they all have this new STI.”

“What STD?!”

“STI…” Vera muttered behind her. Joan turned to give Vera a quick glare. 

“Its called SIV.”

“OK, who are the main spreaders and how have ALL of the women got it? I don't understand not all the are women gay.” 

“It seems Juicy Lucy and a few other close to her are the main spreaders Governor.”

“And where is now?”

“In isolation.”

“I will be down there very shortly. Ms Bennett can deal with it for now.”

Linda and Vera went to isolation while Ferguson went back to her car. 

With one click of her key fob she unlocked the car and went in the boot taking out her hand sanitizer and scrubbed her hands. And she then changed into all necessary essentials before going back into the prison.  
Meanwhile Juicy Lucy was getting interrogated by Vera in the slot. 

“It seems you are the main culprit for spreading SIV around the prison…”

“Not my fault.” Juicy Lucy leaned up against the grey wall trying hard to avoid eye contact with the deputy. 

“Not your fault that you didn't consult nurse slut, I mean the nurse, that you felt ill, or not your fault that you were happily waltzing around offering the strap on?”

Vera turned around and could not believe what her eyes were witnessing. It was Joan. She was wearing an oversized grey suit with yellow wellies pulled up just below her knees, with black rubber gloves touching her elbows. Over her face she had, what looked like, some new way gas mask. She had a utility belt on too, something she would not normally wear but she felt these extreme conditions found fit for it.  
It contained the usual overly intimidating correctional officer equipment: Handcuffs, Pepper Spray, Taser gun, Radio, Gloves and a Whip, sorry Baton.  
Vera did her, ‘I’ve just seen the graffiti of Joan Ferguson with an amateur strap on, on the yard wall in the exercise yard all over again.’ facial expression. 

Joan walked over to Vera. “What is the situation of the STD?” The governor punched out her words with a serious demeanor.

“Erm, the STI (Vera really tied to emphasise the word STI here) is not airborne governor…”

“I am in no place to cut safety corners here Vera.” she placed her hand up in her face to silence her. She poked her mask into the slot window. 

“Ah Ms Gambaro, i am going to get Ms Miles to search your cell and remove and incinerate ALL strap ons. Do you hear me?”

Juice scowled at Ferguson. “Loud and clear Governor.” Tone littered with sarcasm. 

Vera pulled up her radio and instructed Ms Miles to come down to the isolation units.

 

Within minutes Ms Miles had gotten there. Something unusual for Linda as normally she would have to re-build the whole toilet block before doing whatever she was ordered. As she came round the corner she was almost stopped in her tracks as she couldn't even contain her laughs at the ‘get up’ Ferguson had gotten herself in.

“Yes, Ms Miles. About time you started getting yourself to me and Ms Bennett on time. I need you to go to Ms Gambaro’s cell and do a sweep. I want all strap ons or any other equipment that can be used to attempt to have sex with other inmates removed and incinerated.” (She always loved giving Linda the best jobs)

Vera went closer Ferguson so she could whisper something so that no e overheard. “Is it really necessary to keep Lucy here?”

Joan moved her conversation a little further away from the cell door and whispered back. “Vera, that women is a walking STD and cannot be released under any circumstances.” 

“Yes, but Governor, with all sex equipment removed how can she spread it.”

The truth is, if they did let Lucy out, the STI would contaminate the prison quicker than Vera could spread her legs for Joan, beating her current record. 

Then, Joan heard a voice coming through on her radio, it was Linda (do I really have to explain this, of course it was Linda, she just doesn't fuck off) 

"Governor: tossed the cell, found nothing."

Ferguson stood still for a moment and thought. 

She marched up to the cell door. "Gambaro, where is iT?!" 

Lucy only smirked and Joan gave a look of disgust. "You will be let out, you will be let out for 10 minutes, if you fail to tell us where you have concealed your strap on there will be severe consequences, do you understand what I'm telling you?"

Vera recalled Linda on her radio again.  
"Linda, we'll be needing you to escort Ms Gambaro so she can tell us the whereabouts of this unlocated strap on." 

The Governor took one of the keys she found from the huge variety that hung on a chain and neatly sat in her pocket. She was never sure what all of the keys were for, because, naturally, the only ones she needed were for the slot and the 'Correctional Officers only room.' 

Linda was soon down at the slot waiting to be directed her next move. Joan unlocked Lucy's cell door. "Show Linda where you have discarded the strap on."

Lucy got up out the cell and Linda went to put on her handcuffs. Suddenly she slipped Linda's grasp and started running down the corridor, Linda took after her. "Stop, stop, you’re infected with a shit load of SIV!!" 

Joan and her quick thinking, decided to stop juice in her tracks, and save the rest of the SIV-free inmates. For the greater good, she had swung round pulling out her taser and aiming at Lucy. To Joan's uTTer surprise, when she fired the gun, she completely MISSED Lucy and got LINDA. Linda instantly dropped to the floor screaming in pain.

"AGHH!! FUCK GOVERNOR, YOU JUST GOT ME INSTEAD OF HER, FUCKK YOU OH DAMN HURTS, YOU STUPID BITCH HOW COULD YOU. MAKE IT STOP!!!" Linda carried on this childish whining for at least another few minutes. 

Vera rolled her eyes. She didn't think it could be that bad, but Linda knew differently. "Oh come on Linda stop playing about, what do you want me to do: get the violins out?"  
She was still on the floor, tucked up in a ball screaming as the near 10,000V rippled through her body. When she had finally stopped screaming, she just laid there. Barely moving. Well she couldn't move. The electricity had bolted across her, charging through every single one of her peripheral nerves. And now she was just shaking mess heaped up on the ground. While juicy Lucy ran off doing her smug 'I'll bring the strap on" grin.

Ferguson just watched. Not really knowing what to do. "Vera, you go home now dear, I'll sort things out with Linda, you’re finished here." 

Vera left just then, trying not to look at Ms Miles too much, as the temptation to laugh at what Joan had gone and done was irresistible. 

Ferguson waddled (she could barely coordinate herself with that suit on) over to Linda’s quivering body.  
“Are you going to lay there any longer Ms Miles or am i going to have to give you an official warning for being too lazy during your shifts.” 

Linda opened her mouth and went to speak but her voice cracked. She could barely talk, but Joan was far too busy to wait for her reply.  
“Well, its my day off you understand Ms Miles, and i have things to be getting on with at home. So don't lay there too long and ring me if you require my assistance again or any contraband has been found, keep me updated.”

She strutted off with her overly big suit, aiming to get out the prison before too many people could get a glimpse of her get up. 

 

Joan had already changed back into her civvies before she had got out of her car in her driveway. I mean if she still had her new way gas mask on; what would the neighbors think?  
Proceeding out of her car, she opened the front door and put her keys on the side.  
She stopped suddenly, peering around her house.

“VERA GET YOUR ARSE DOWN HERE NOW!”  
It went quiet and then, Vera had peeked her head around the top of the landing, a little bit scared at what Ferguson would do to her. 

Joan glared up at the top of the stairs. “I said here, Vera.” she pointed in front of her and her voice still a little teaming with anger. 

Vera came down the steps slowly approaching Joan.  
Joan's voice, now no more than a whisper. “Vera, dear. In the half an hour that you have been here on your own, you have managed to transform my house into Ann Summers and a new way brothel.”

Vera’s doey eyes scanned the surrounding rooms. Underwear decorated the radiators.  
Any one would think Joan and Vera didn't own a tumble dryer, but never the less, this was Vera’s new ‘how-to-dry-my-wet-underwear-when-i-am-still-in-possession-of-a-dryer.’ way of doing things. 

“Do we run a brothel Vera?”

“I dont think so, unless you want to tell me something?”

Joan scowled up.  
“Well, correct me if im wrong but i didn't know it was possible to own so many pairs of knickers. I mean, for somebody who rarely wears them.”

Vera’s voice quietened. “I had to buy new ones last week, you ripped all the others up and sadly they were no longer wearable. 

“You know, how I get when there are obstacles in my path Vera.”

“It wont happen again, Joan.” Her head tilted sideways. 

“I appreciate that, but you will still have to be punished.”

“Please Joan, whatever you do, please don't chain me to the bed with OITNB left on loop.”

“You know I’d never go THAT far…” Joan smiled just then. 

“But i want you to remove all articles of clothing and make your way to the kitchen.”

Vera did as instructed; and removed everything. Waiting nervously, she eyed Joan go down to the basement. After being gone for a minute or two. Ferguson came back cradling a large black box and made her way towards Vera. “Are you ready to be punished, now?” She placed the box on the table.

Vera had crossed her legs tightly now, as her mind was working overtime about what could be in that box.  
“Well if you insist…” Joan's voice had lingered in the atmosphere. 

Ferguson's long fingers hit the box and folded back the lid, and Vera grew more and more impatient from every second that elapsed. 

“Tell me you submit, and then you can be punished.”

“Yes, yes, I 100% submit Joan, in fact I have been waiting here 5 goddamn minutes, and already have submitted 20 million times in my head.” She hurried to get her words out.  
Joan tipped the box over, its content spilling onto the table. “Good, then you wont mind sharpening my collection of 356 pencils, then will you.” she smiled down. 

Vera instantaneously uncrossed her legs.  
“Joan, you totally just killed that mood i was in.” she moaned. (not as in she was being annihilated kind of moan, as in a child that didn't get their parents to succumb to their demands kind of moan.)

“No, no. I cant do any of that now any way. I've got to clean out my goldfish bowl; not to mention the fact that i left my strap on in the drawer under my desk at work.”  
Vera looked up like she had a head full of suggestions.  
“I’ll go and get i-”

Ferguson had quickly stopped her.  
“NO! I am not having a repeat of last night. It would just be my luck for me to agree to let you go, only to have you ringing me up telling me you forgot your way to the prison.” 

Vera didn't say anything more and sat at the table idly picking up one pencil after another then putting it in the sharpener. Joan had left the room then and made her way into one of the rooms of her brothel, I mean house. 

It all went quiet for a moment. A rarity in Ferguson’s house, lezbehonest. Then Vera jumped at the screech of a words that was yet to follow.  
“VEEEERRRRRAAAA!! WHY IS THERE A THONG IN MY GOLDFISH BOWL!!!

Vera poked her head around the door frame, just enough, pulling her famous 'what the fuck face.'


	6. Chapter 6

“Well? Explain yourself Vera. Why is there a thong in the fishbowl?”

Vera didn’t really know how to answer, at that. “I have no idea maybe I dropped it.”

Joan nodded as Vera spoke. “Well, yes I could guess that. But what I don’t understand is how they could just fall of you and jump into the fishbowl?”

“Maybe he was jealous and wanted it for himself?”

Joan raised a hand to shut Vera up. “Vera, listen well and listen hard. Bob. Is. Not. Gay. That’s only Mr Jackson.”

“Well, we don’t know that, I mean we could get him a little fish frien-“

“NO!” Joan raised an eyebrow in refusal to believe Bob was gay, even though it was pretty obvious he was. He was Joan's fish after all... “Anyway have you sharpened all the pencils I gave you?”

“Well, cut me some slack, there is half of a stationary shop in the kitchen.”

“That’s your punishment, what did you expect?”

“I was thinking something a bit more kinky.”

Joan sat back on the sofa, she put her hands in her lap and slowly looked up at the ceiling then looked back at Vera again. She exhaled deeply. 

“Well, now you’re just turning me on.”

Vera smiled, this really was good to hear, and maybe she might just get her proper punishment after all. Although it somewhat worried her for why she was still waltzing around naked and Joan could contain herself. She took a seat next to Joan.

“So…what have you planned for tonight then?” Vera bit her lip.

“Hmm, you know, some contracts I need to read and I was planning on getting off, why?

Vera’s face fell instantaneously as she heard the word ‘get off’. I mean, she had thought that’s what you did when you weren’t getting any. She didn’t really know what to say to that, so she thought she’d rescue the situation.

“Oh, erm, do you need any help with that?”

“With the contracts no, that’s fine, they are manageable on my own.”

“No, ehem, I meant, well you know.”

“Oh, no don’t worry about it, your assistance is not required, I have all the help I need after you gave me that brilliant dildo for Christmas.”

“Well, if you wanted we could…”

“Do what Vera?”

Vera really didn’t want to say it, she didn’t want Joan to know that she was actually getting quite desperate to have sex; however, although she may be getting desperate, does not mean she would stoop as low as to go and fuck that Neanderthal Fletch. That was only Linda. 

“Joan, I would like you to have sex with me upstairs please, now, thank you.” She hurried her words.

“Get hold of your feels, Vera. You’re projectile vomiting rainbows.”

“I’m sorry Joan.” Her face dropped and then lit back up again. “So can we?”

Ferguson looked into Vera’s eyes quite deeply this time. “Well why didn’t you say, my little…broken...puppet, hmm?”

Vera flushed a deeper shade of pink. “Well, I need to finish off the pencils and then I’ll go upstairs to bed.”

“Yes, likewise Vera, I shall see you up there when I have read my contracts, I might be a while but I will be up.” She smiled.

Vera walked barefoot back to the kitchen and cleared up the mess, she had actually thought she would be cleaning up a very different kind of mess, the type that usually ended up on Joan's desk after a long debrief. But not this. And now she found out Joan's plans for the evening were masturbation. She was not a happy mouse. But she was convinced she would be laid tonight, there was something in the air. Something was about to happen, but she couldn’t quite tell just yet, what it would be.

It was an unusually clear night, the sky was teaming with stars, some almost in touching distance. Vera had left the windows open so she could feel the cool draft fill the room. She clambered into the bed, patiently waiting for Joan. The freshly ironed sheets felt cold to her skin, she got in and her body soon developed goose bumps, whilst she adapted to the cold. Her head had hit the pillow hard and soon she was out cold.

 

Joan had just finished her contracts, she peered down at her watch. It read 11:30PM. She put her papers neatly to the side, and took her laptop up stairs with her. She knew Vera would be asleep by now for sure. She would be able to get off in peace now. well, so she thought. 

Joan got into the bed next to her, being careful not to wake Vera. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. 

She went back into her google history, she found her previously typed in ‘glove porn’. As soon as she clicked on it, it reopened a page. She hadn’t checked the volume and before she knew it glove porn was playing at top volume! she could see Vera waking up and she was racing to turn it off. Just then Vera shot out of bed startled, woken by the sounds of slaps and moans and looked over at Joan with her what the fuck face.

Joan instantly closed the lid down of the laptop hoping it would stop the noises, but it didn’t. She put the laptop under the duvet to try and stifle the slaps, screams and moans coming from the computer.

“Yes, Vera. How can i help you?”

“Joan, what the hell are you doing at 12.30am watching glove porn at full volume without me?!”

“Vera, i don't know what you are talking about. Anyway this is nothing to do with me I just clicked on something and it popped up!”

“Can you turn it off?!”

Joan quickly tried to open the laptop backup to turn down the volume, but now it had gone into sleep mode.

“I can’t, it won’t turn off!”

“Well what are we going to do with it?”

“Vera, this is my laptop and we are not getting rid of it!”

“What are you going to do, we can’t leave it in here, with all that moaning and leather going on all night. Or we can we chuck it out the window?”

“No, its my laptop you can't do that! You’re going to have to deal with it Vera.”

“No Joan, please get it out of here, it's going to give me so many wet dreams!”

“Yes but I thought you loved it?!”

“Well yes, but oh just.. just turn it off or put it downstairs.”

Joan raised a hand up to Vera’s face. “Listen Vera, I wear the trousers in this relationship and I say we keep the glove porn. Now get into bed, please.”

Vera climbed back in the bed. “Yes, Governor.”

“What I thought.”

They both got back into the bed, they didn’t say a word. They lay there with porn going off at full volume, but Joan insisted they leave her laptop be. They both stared up looking up and the ceiling. Joan noticed Vera’s hands going under the duvet.

“Are you getting off Vera?”

Vera’s hands shot back up. She spoke innocently. “No.”

“OK, well go to sleep women.”

“Yes, Governor.”


	7. Chapter 7

They had both awoken to not just the sounds of some kinky porn shit on the laptop but also by the sound of vans outside. “Whats going on?”

Joan got up and looked through the windows. She turned to Vera “Someone’s moving in next door to us; there's a removal van.”

“Oh god, well I hope they don’t have sex often, these walls are paper thin you know.”

“I think if someone were going to be worried it would be them not us.” she grinned. 

“Yeah, because they'll be there listening to the laptop with us all night! Thinking we are fucking weirdos!”

“The laptop was not my fault!”

Vera raised an eyebrow. “Wasn't your fault, oh yes that's right i was the one who was watching glove porn at half 12…”

“No, but you were the one getting off to it 5 minutes later.”

“I can't help it can i.”

“Well i suppose you can't, but it gave me about 7 simultaneous wet dreams with that blaring out of the laptop all night!”

“Oh my, same! we should compare to see who had the best one!” Vera looked happy at the thought. 

Joan peered back from the window, looking at the women behind her. “No, Vera.” 

“Oh, Ok.” Her face dropped again.”

“I need to go and meet them, where did you put my hand sanitizer?”

“Cupboard under the fishbowl.”

“Ok, I won't be long.”

 

Joan stepped out onto the path, but she couldn't see who was there because the huge lorry was blocking her view of her neighbours.  
“Who goes there, I am the governor!”

Nothing could have prepared her the sight she was about to behold. 

“The neanderthal and dick with ears.” Fletch and Channing stood directly ahead of her. 

Meanwhile Vera had put some clothes on and took the laptop downstairs. This laptop was basically a sex noise generator. She sat with it for a minute while she considered her options for its disposal. Then she had a brainwave. She ran into the living room and quickly scanned the room, she decided her best move was to dump it in the fishbowl, she now just had to hope Joan wouldn't notice it was there. 

“Are you insinuating that you and...HIM are moving in NEXT to me?!”  
“Its a free country Joan.”

“Rack off Dick, I was talking to Fletch!”

“We’ve bought a house together now Joan, things are getting serious now.”

“Ha! Don't make me laugh, i caught you two in the slot last week, having a quick gobby between shifts.”

“Well anyway, we are staying, whether you like it or not. It's none of your business where we live.”

They both walked away into the house next door, just then. 

“We’ll soon see about that…” Joan muttered to herself as she walked inside.

“VERRRRAAAA!!! Why the fuck is there a laptop in my fish bowl?!”

Vera came running down the stairs at the shouts. “It was Bob, he did it! I told you that fish is gay! He wanted the glove porn!”

“Well anyway, i dont have the time nor the means to discuss my gay fish, I have bigger fish to fry.”

“Whats going on? Should i be excited? I'm excited. Does it involve me getting laid?”

“No, Vera. Thats later. But we have a problem. We have to get those caveman out of the house next to us.”

“Wait, you mean...Fletch and Channing, next door?”

“Yes. And if they think they are going to be fucking 24/7 they are wrong. Thats us. We are going to be the ones to out-fuck them Vera.”

“Oooh.”  
“Do i still have that hosepipe from last year?”

“Yes it's still out there.”

“Good, because i have an idea.” She gave Vera one of her evil grins.


End file.
